In My Heart
by ThrawnsGirl
Summary: Addison and Mark are as happy as they have never been before. But everything they built up over all those years seems to break down when that blonde girl appears in the ER. All the secrets and lies slowly come to light. How could they possibly get through this without drifting apart? AU, set about sixteen years after Addison appeared in Seattle. Maddison-centric. *COMPLETE*
1. I got you this rose

**AN: Hey, it's me. And I said I wouldn't start5 another multi-chapter fic until I finished** _ **Everything Changed And My Life Is A Mess**_ **, but now I am because I started writing this story an eternity ago (okay, like four months, but who cares) and I almost finished it, only one and a half chapters to go. And I finally want to share it because I have no idea if I'll ever finish my other story. So, here you go.**

 **I had this idea in the middle of one of my re-watches of Grey's, you'll probably find some similarities to certain storylines.**

 **This is very AU, so I made some changes. Firstly, this is set 16 years after Addison appeared in Seattle, but with the difference that she and Derek married when they were 22, and she cheated on him about five years later. So, at that point, they were still resident and did their fellowships in Seattle. But now she has the same knowledge and reputation as she had in Grey's. The affair with Alex happened when she was a fellow and he was a resident, but Addison never left for LA and they are friends now. Mark and Callie were never a couple or friends with benefits, so Sofia doesn't exist (sorry), similar with Lexie. They only were a couple for a few months. After Mark was whoring around for years, he finally realized that Addison is who he wanted all the time. Now they've bee together for three years.**

 **Still reading? Glad I didn't scare you off with that huge author's note. And of course I hope you like what I produced.**

 **x**

 **CHAPTER 1: I got you this rose**

 _How many times can I see your face?_  
 _How many times will you walk away?_  
 _I just have to let you know._

 _(Roses - Shawn Mendes)_

 **x**

Addison was confused, looking at her pager again. 911 from Mark to patient room 22.23. Then why was this room locked?

"That's not funny," she growled, then turned around to see Derek standing behind her. "Mark is abusing 911 to kid me. I ran up here and he's not even there"

"Maybe he wouldn't have done this if you two had just stayed in New York." Derek laughed. A few years ago she would have taken this as an attempt to offend her, but finally, after years and years of hostility and hatred, they could manage to peacefully co-exist - he hadn't even been mad when she had carefully told him, three years ago, that she and Mark were back together.

Now she was looking at him. She had known him for more than two decades. She knew the look in his eyes. "You know something," she said.

"I don't."

"Derek?" She raised an eyebrow. And in this moment the door of room 22.23 was being opened and she saw Mark's head appear. "What the hell?" she added. "You're planning something _together_!"

"We are." Mark grinned. "Come in, honey."

The skeptic look on Addison's face increased, when she entered the room and there was no patient to be seen. Instead there were a bunch of roses and a single candle. "Oh, Dr. Romantic gets better with every pathetic attempt."

"Come on. I tried." He took her hand in his bigger one and smiled at her.

"You did." She smiled up at him. Even when she was wearing her 4-inch heels, he always managed to be taller - which was rare in men, considering her height. "What did you do? Did you accidentally burn something? Did you stain my carpet? Did you spill coffee over your shirt and want me to clean it?"

"I didn't do anything." He raised his free hand in defense.

"Then what's this?" She pointed at the roses and the candle. "And why is Derek standing outside?"

"Look, Addie. We've known each other for a _really_ long time."

"22 years, to be exact."

"Right. And you were married to my best friend, until we found each other."

"Mark… You trying to be romantic is-"

"Let me talk!" he interrupted, then his face softened again and he looked directly into her eyes. "You were the right one all the time, I just didn't know."

She opened her mouth, but then closed it again.

"It took us 19 damn years to realize we can't leave each other because we always get back together again. For a reason. Because you're the love of my life."

"Okay, this is actually cute." She saw his annoyed face and quickly apologized. "Sorry. I'm not interrupting again."

"Okay." He took something out of the pocket of his lab coat. And before she could realize what it was, he was kneeling in front of her. "You left me a hundred times, in the past. And I don't want it to happen again. Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery, will you marry me?" He opened the box in his hand and revealed the incredibly beautiful ring in it. Silver with a diamond that was not giant, but not too small, either.

She couldn't speak, she just stared at him, open-mouthed, while she felt the tears forming in her eyes. Shit. Her mascara wasn't waterproof.

"Addie?" he carefully asked. "You have the permission to say something now."

"I…" The first tear was rolling down her face. "Yes, of course I will!"

The ring slid onto her fourth finger perfectly, and then he was standing again, pulling her closer. Their lips met and she never wanted this perfect moment to end.

But they were doctors at work. And of course one of their pagers went off.

"Not mine," she said after checking it.

"It's mine." Mark sighed. "The ER." He looked up again. "I don't have to go. I can send someone else. I'm sure they don't need the head of plastics."

"It's okay. I have to go back to work, too. Laboring moms, you know."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" She gave him one last kiss on the cheek. "I love you."

"I know you do." He grinned at her, then opened the door and left.

Addison blew out the candle, took the roses and followed him out. There was not just Derek now. And she could tell they were only pretending to be busy. "You all knew about this?" she asked and everyone turned around to smile at her.

"There she is!" Callie stepped forward. "I wanna see it."

Addison sighed, then grinned and raised her left hand, the ring sparkling in the bright light.

Not only her friends, but all the nurses and other staff walking around were applauding now and she felt one hug after the other. Callie, Derek, Teddy, Bailey, Richard and some more she didn't even know.

"It's bold," Derek stated. "You're engaged to your ex-husband's best friend."

Her grin grew even wider. "I'm a very bold person."

 **x**

"Hey." Addison put down her tray on a table of Seattle Grace's cafeteria.

Alex looked up from his Burger and immediately caught her left hand in his. "What's that?" He looked at her, while she sat down on the chair across from him.

"Come on. You knew about this." She freed her hand to grab a fork and began to eat her salad.

"Yeah, I did. Everyone knew. I'm actually surprised that nobody accidentally told you. You know, someone chatty like Mer or Kepner."

She chewed before she talked again. "I'm surprised that you didn't tell me. What happened to the whole _best friends tell each other everything_ thing."

"That doesn't count. It was supposed to be a surprise proposal."

"I know." She took another fork of her lunch.

"Hey, remember the time when you thought you were in love with me?"

"I do." She laughed. "But that was like 13 years ago. I was a fellow and you were a resident. And I was lonely and desperate."

"Also, you almost left the city after I dumped you."

"I'm glad I didn't." She looked at the ring again. "Would I be with Mark now if I had left Seattle to run for the beach?"

"I have no idea."

 **x**

 **AN: This is it. The first chapter. I think I'm gonna upload the next chapter today, too. So stay tuned because the drama will begin.**

 **This is also not the longest story, only about 10 chapters, I'm currently working on the 9** **th** **, so you won't have to wait that long for updates.**

 **Again, I really hope you liked it. If you did, please leave a review. It really motivates me to know what you think.**


	2. far from home

**AN: I said I would do it, and I did it. Update the second chapter the same day, I mean. So now I'll give you an idea in which direction this story is going because in the first chapter everyone was all bright and shiny. Well, it will change in this chapter.**

 **x**

 **CHAPTER 2: far from home**

 _Just let me know I'm not forgotten_  
 _Out here alone._

 _(Far From Home (The Raven) - Sam Tinnesz)_

 **x**

Mark didn't hurry to get down to the ER. Instead he took the stairs to just have a little more time to smile to himself. He was great. He was engaged. And she was perfect.

"Dr. Sloan?"

He looked up, torn out of his thoughts.

"There's a teenager in bed three," the young nurse said. "She said she wanted the best."

Three years ago, this indirect compliment would have been enough for him to sleep with her. But he had changed. His fiancée - wow, this word sounded so incredibly grown-up - had managed to miraculously reform him.

He walked to bed three, where a blonde girl was lying. She had to be about sixteen years old. "I'm Doctor Sloan," he introduced himself, then carefully examined the bleeding cut on her forehead. "What happened?"

"That hotel furniture is incredibly sharp. Especially when you hit your head on the edge of the closet." She flinched when he touched the cut. "Wow, that hurts. Are you sure you're qualified to do this? I mean, you look like you have more testosterone than brain."

"Hey. I'm head of plastic surgery. That should tell you something."

"Right." She directly looked at him with grey eyes. They seemed so familiar and so unknown at the same time.

"What's your name?" he asked while cleaning the wound.

"Lucy Morgan."

"Where are your parents?"

"You mean my adoptive parents? They are in Boston."

"Then what are you doing here?" Mark numbed the area around the cut, then began to sew it.

"You know, being adopted sucks. I mean, I like them. They're kind and caring. But I really wanna know who my real parents are."

"And you just left without telling them?"

"They think I'm visiting my grandmother - or adoptive grandmother, or whatever - in Portland."

"And your grandmother?"

"She doesn't even know I was planning to visit her."

"Impressive."

"It took me more than two years to find out who my real mother was. A month ago I met someone who could hack. So we had access to the adoptive agency's data bank. They had my birth certificate. And on that there was her name. I googled her. And guess what? She's a doctor in this hospital."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow while making the last stitch.

"Yes. Do you know her? Her name is Addison Montgomery Shepherd."

 **x**

"How far are we, Mrs. Paulsen?" Addison entered the room of her patient.

"Still at five centimeters," the woman answered. "This little monster doesn't want to come out."

The redhead laughed. "Everything is normal. Give him some time."

"I can't because it hurts."

"I know, giving birth sucks. But once you can hold your son, it was worth the effort."

"Do you have children on your own?"

"No." Addison shook her head, swallowing hard.

"Then how could you possibly know?"

"I delivered the first baby about 18 years ago. I lost the count at some point, but I would say it have been many."

The patient let the topic go when another contraction distracted her.

"It's not too late for medication."

"I said no!"

Addison raised her arms. "Sorry. But, you know, you could-"

"Stop it!" the woman hissed. "Just… distract me."

"Okay. What do you want to hear?"

"Your love life."

She laughed. "That's funny. Because I just got engaged about half an hour ago."

"Really?" Mrs. Paulsen's mood brightened. "I wanna see the ring."

Addison raised her hand for the hundredth time today.

"Wow! It's beautiful." She then changed the topic again. "Where is my husband, anyway? He left like ten minutes ago."

"I just met him in the cafeteria. He should be back soon." Just in this moment her pager went off. She sighed. Mark. 911 again. Was he kidding her? "I'm sorry, I have to go." And with that she left the room.

 **x**

When Addison reached the conference room near the ER, she was pulled in by a hard grip around her wrist.

"What the hell?" She found herself looking directly into her fiancé's - it sounded so strange, so new - face. And he didn't look very thrilled.

"What the hell?! I should ask that!"

She flinched when he snapped at her. "What's wrong with you, Mark?" She placed a hand on his cheek, but he pushed it away.

"What's wrong with _you_?!"

"Okay, Mark." She had already reached a point of annoyance. "I can't help you when you're answering my questions with the exact same questions."

"Do you have anything to tell me, Addison?" She could tell he was trying to calm himself down.

"What are you talking about?" She was even more confused now.

"Remember when I got paged to the ER?" He looked at her as if he expected an answer, but then just continued. "It was a girl with a cut on her forehead. I sewed it, while she was telling me about why she was here. Still nothing?"

"Mark… I have no idea-"

"Then I will give you an idea!" he interrupted. "She's sixteen years old, from Boston, given up for adoption right after birth. Her name is Lucy Morgan, her birth mother is Addison Montgomery Shepherd!"

Addison had to hold on to the table for support because suddenly her whole body was trembling and her head was throbbing.

"Sixteen years, Addison!" He suddenly was really close, grabbing her chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Still nothing to tell me?"

"That's not how I wanted you to find out…" she whispered, trying to get away from him, but his fingers were pressing into her jaw and she couldn't move.

"No. Because you didn't want me to find out at all!"

"I'm sorry, Mark." She looked away from him without moving her head. Seeing his blue eyes was too painful. Because she knew how he felt. Betrayed. Deceived.

"You told me you aborted my child. I wasn't happy about it, but I understood. You told me you were going to Seattle when you were really somewhere else, giving birth to _my daughter_! I don't get it!"

"I was at the clinic. But I couldn't go in there." She pushed him away and turned away from him, so he could only see her back. She didn't want him to see the tears that were ruining the mascara she had just refreshed after leaving room 22.23. "But I couldn't have it, either. And you wouldn't have understood because you were already mad." She was certain that he could hear she was crying because her breaths came in short and painful sobs.

"I could have understood. But you didn't give me the chance! You lied to me for almost 17 years! How could you live like that?"

"It wasn't easy, Mark." She wiped the tears and it left black stains on her white lab coat.

"But you did it, anyway. And you know what? This is worse than if you had just terminated."

"Mark…" She turned back around on trembling legs and saw the tears shining in his eyes.

"Give it back." He held out his open hand.

"What?"

"Give me the damn ring back!"

"No! We have to talk about this!"

"Shut up!" he yelled and grabbed her wrist again.

"Let go of me! We can get through this, Mark!"

"Take it off!"

And in this moment the door to the conference room opened. "Sloan, let go of her," Richard ordered.

And Mark did let go. But not without hissing at her one more time. "How could you live with this?"

Addison stormed out of the room, her heels incredibly loud on the linoleum floor. She had no idea where she was going. Just that she had to get away. How could this perfect day turn into living hell in such a short time?

 **x**

 **See, not so happy anymore. This idea popped into my head when Maggie appeared in the end of season 10, and I thought** _ **What if Addison had done the same thing as Ellis.**_ **And that short thought, combined with some aspects of Sloan Sloan from season 6, turned into this whole story. Let me know what you think.**

 **(Also, btw, I know the title song from CW's Riverdale, which's third season is, in my opinion, a total piece of garbage. Don't be offended if you like it, I just think that the storylines are weird and annoying and Archie's abs get more screentime than Cheryl. Season 1 was really good, though. And I should stop talking about Riverdale now because this is a Grey's fic.)**


	3. you found me

**CHAPTER 3: you found me**

 _Where were you_  
 _When everything was falling apart?_

 _(You Found Me - The Fray)_

 **x**

"Dr. Sloan?" Lucy asked, carefully touching the numb area on her forehead. She had no clue about medicine, but she was sure that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. The needle was still on the thread because when her doctor had heard her mother's name, he had just dropped everything and left.

"Hey!" She waved a man in navy clothes to her bed. "Can you help me? My doctor left. I've been sitting here for an eternity now."

The short-haired doctor laughed. "Wow. In the middle of the procedure. I'm doctor Karev." He sat down and took scissors to cut the thread.

"Do you know Addison Montgomery Shepherd?" she asked once he was finished.

"I do. She's my best friend, actually. But she hasn't been Shepherd for over 15 years now. Just Montgomery."

"Okay." She bit her lip. So this mother she had never known was apparently divorced now - probably from the father that hadn't been mentioned in the birth certificate. "Is she here now."

"Yes."

"Could you call her? Or whatever you doctors do."

"Sure." He turned towards a nurse. "Page Dr. Montgomery, please."

 **x**

Addison had finally found her way to the Lady's bathroom and locked herself in one of the stalls, sunk down to the ground where she stayed, crying every tear she had.

This day had begun so perfect. First she had delivered two healthy babies, then Mark had proposed. And suddenly there was this girl she had given up sixteen years ago and her fiancé wanted to undo the engagement.

She understood him. She had been lying to him for more than one and a half decades. She hadn't even felt bad about it anymore because she had pushed back the past in her mind, she had almost forgotten about it - except that there had always been this guilt and she had almost told him several times. And it would have been fine, hadn't this daughter suddenly appeared in the life she had built on ruins.

She heard the front door of the bathroom open and tried to be as silent as possible, but, however, a quiet sob still managed to escape.

"Who's in there?" It was Callie's voice.

"Nobody," Addison murmured.

"Addison?" Callie knocked on the door. "Open the door."

She suddenly had a déjà vu of a similar situation about fifteen years ago.

"I'll climb in."

Wow. This was creepy. And in any other situation, she would have laughed about it. But she really wasn't in the mood for laughing right now.

She looked up to see Callie's head. The Latina was standing on the toilet next to hers. "Get out and smile. You're engaged!"

"Apparently not anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Callie reached in and unlocked the stall, then got down from the toilet and opened the door.

Addison got up from where she was sitting on the floor, walking to the mirror, wiping the tears and the black spots under her eyes with a tissue. Her makeup was ruined once again. "He wants the ring back." She stared at her hand with the diamond on the fourth finger, not even trying to think about the price.

"Why? He just proposed."

"Remember when I told you about me aborting his baby?" She grabbed the sink.

"I remember. That was an eternity ago."

"I lied."

And in that moment her pager went off. What was it today with that thing interrupting everything she did?

"I'm sorry", Addison said. "It's the ER."

"We should continue that conversation."

The redhead didn't answer. She just left the bathroom and rushed back to the ER.

 **x**

Addison had hurried to get to the ER. And she was already through the door when she remembered and stopped abruptly. Mark had said that girl was in here. She was probably gone by now, right? He had finished her treatment and she had left and she would never come back.

"Addison." Suddenly Alex was standing in front of her. "There was a girl that asked for you."

She stared at the blonde teenager in bed 3. And that teenager stared back. Just for a second their eyes locked. She knew those eyes. Because it were her eyes.

"I can't," she simply said and turned on her heel, giving her best not to cry again.

"Why?" he asked and grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Have you seen my face, Alex?" She probably sounded more annoyed than she was. But it was a good thing because it made her bad excuse more plausible.

"Yeah. What happened? You look horrible."

"Doesn't matter." It took her all strength she had not to look at the girl - her _daughter._

"What happened to the _best friends tell each other everything_ thing you mentioned earlier?"

"Not valid in this situation." Without another word she left the ER, leaving behind a confused Alex and an unwanted young girl - she wasn't unwanted, just… not very welcome in her life because it had been one of the hardest decisions she had ever made to give her away.

"Addison!" he called after her. "Stop now and get your ass back in here! There's a patient that wants to see you!"

She turned back around to look at her best friend. "Is she pregnant? Does she need a Gynecologist? No? Then she's not my obligation!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He followed her, now standing right in front of her. Unlike Mark, Alex had always been smaller than she was in high heels. Years ago it had given her power. These days they were joking about it. Then why was she feeling so weak now?

"Alex… please. I just want to… clean my face, okay?"

"Are you seeing the patient after?"

"I can't." Addison leaned back against the wall.

"But why?"

"I can't tell you. You wouldn't understand."

"I would." He took her hand in his. "We're friends, remember? You can trust me."

"Maybe… another time, okay? Now I need to…" She pressed two fingers to her throbbing head. "Go to the bathroom."

"Okay." He let go of her and while she was leaving, she could feel his stare on her back.

 **x**

"I'm sorry," Dr. Karev said and sat down next to her again. "She can't come right now."

"But she was there. I saw her." Lucy didn't understand. The woman from the countless medical papers - yes, she had read them and didn't understand a word - had been standing a few feet away from her. She had seen the red hair in all those pictures, had compared herself to that impressive surgeon. And those familiar eyes, the exact same shade of grey as hers, had been staring at her. How could someone give up their child without looking back? How could she turn her back again?

"She has patients that need her. Laboring moms and stuff. You're not one of them."

"But how could she not want to see me?"

He took a pen from his white coat and noted something in her chart. "You know each other?"

"Sort of. I can't tell you, though. The last doctor I told just left."

"Okay." Dr. Karev put the chart to the side.

"She and Dr. Sloan… Do they know each other?"

"They're engaged."

"Oh." This explained everything. And somehow, she felt bad about it. The poor man had just learned that his fiancée had a secret child. It felt like revenge. Wasn't that what she wanted? Revenge to the woman that had just abandoned an innocent, defenseless baby?

 **x**

 **AN: Third chapter. And without a long author's note in the beginning.**

 **You liked this one? Leave a review.**


	4. losing my mind

**AN: Another chapter for the weekend. And, by the way, I've finished this story now. So I just need to upload it now. Don't expect any long gaps between updates, probably less than a week.**

 **x**

 **CHAPTER 4: losing my mind**

 _You've gotta help me, I'm losing my mind_  
 _Keep getting the feeling you want to leave this all behind_

 _(History - One Direction)_

 **x**

This whole thing wasn't fair, Addison decided. She had given up her baby for a reason - more than one. It had been hard, it had taken time to get over, but eventually she had made it. She had promised herself to never bring it up again, to never talk about it to anyone, ever. And now none of that mattered because she was here and she couldn't keep it a secret anymore. Apparently that girl was blurting it out to random doctors. How could Mark have known otherwise?

When she entered the bathroom again, she just wanted to turn around and leave again. Because Callie was still there, looking at her.

"I figured you would be back in a few minutes."

"I need to be alone for a minute, Callie." When the younger woman didn't move, she added a desperate "Please." But still nothing happened.

"That's bullshit. Nobody needs to be alone. That makes it worse. You just need to talk to someone. So…" She sat down on the clean tiles of the bathroom floor, pulling Addison with her. "Talk."

The redhead shook her head, biting her lip to suppress the tears. She had shed enough of them.

"Come on. You already started. You can't just drop a bomb like that and then refuse to continue."

"Okay." She inhaled deeply, then exhaled, but somehow her mouth refused to form words.

"You said that you lied about the abortion," Callie tried to encourage her.

"Right. I lied."

"And?"

"I was at the clinic. In the waiting room, actually. And when they called my name, I couldn't go. I don't know why. Abortion is something normal for me – at least as normal as something like that could be. I performed countless of them myself. But somehow, in my case, it didn't feel right. So I left the clinic."

Callie took her friend's hand and squeezed it.

"I told Mark that I did it. Remember the calendar and the onesie I told you about?"

"The Yankees onesie? I remember."

"He threw them at me. He lost it completely and he yelled at me. He wanted to slap me, but I left. The next day he came and he apologized. He was crying and I was still pregnant, but I just couldn't…" The sentence ended in a quiet sob, but there were no tears. She had probably cried them all.

"It's okay." The Latina was now carefully rubbing her back.

"I told him I had gone to Seattle. I knew that Derek was here, but I didn't go. Instead I moved to Boston, where nobody knew me, and I carried his child to term. A girl. When she was born, I called her Ella, and I gave her up for adoption. There was this perfect family who was so nice, and… they took her. They named her Lucy, but she was always Ella to me. Two weeks later I arrived in Seattle and you know where it went from there. I tried with Derek, it didn't work, we got divorced, Mark came."

"That's… I don't know what to say. You never told Mark?"

She shook her head. "He never knew. It went up and down with us, we broke up and were back together countless times. There was the week… exactly one year after I supposedly terminated. The week I told you about it. He was grieving, he was miserable, and I was lying all the time. I almost told him so many times. But over the last years, especially since we're back together, I just pushed it to the side, I almost forgot about her." She buried her face in her hands.

"Then why are you bringing it up now?"

"Because half an hour after we got engaged, he paged me. He told me about his sixteen year old patient in the ER and that she… was looking for her birth mother."

"And she's-"

"She's my daughter."

"Shit." Callie squeezed Addison's hand even harder. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"He found out. Almost seventeen years after I left him… he found out. And now he wants the ring back."

"He doesn't mean it. You know Mark. Remember what you just said to me about when you told him about the abortion? He came back and apologized. He will do the same thing now. Just wait."

"I don't…"

"He will, Addison. Trust me. He's Mark. He proposed. Don't you know what it means if _Mark Sloan_ proposes? You're the only one to him. He's so deeply in love with you that he would die to prove it."

"But… Ella… Lucy. She came from Boston. She flew across the continent to meet me. Her father never knew about her and her mother looked at her and ran again. I don't want her to feel… abandoned again. But I just can't… meet her."

"Wait, Addison. Wait a few days until Mark is okay. Maybe then you can talk to her again."

"The poor girl." Still no tears. She must be dehydrated or something.

"You want me to talk to her?"

She slowly nodded. "Thanks, Cal."

"No problem. I'm just trying to help." She stood up and held her hand out for Addison. "Now stand up, clean your face and get back to work. Let me handle the child."

The redhead nodded, letting her friend pull her up from the floor. Maybe this wasn't so bad, after all.

 **x**

"I'm Dr. Torres."

Lucy looked up from her smartphone. There was a beautiful Latina standing in front of the chair she was now sitting on.

"You're Lucy, right?" She sat down next to her.

"Right."

"So… I heard that you're here to meet your mother."

"Apparently she doesn't want to meet me, though." She put the smartphone into her bag.

"Look, Lucy." The woman smiled at her sympathetically. "I talked to her. She made a decision, sixteen years ago."

"I want to know why."

"I understand that. And she does, too. But at the moment… maybe she'll be ready to talk in a few days, okay?"

Lucy nodded.

"She said she doesn't want you to feel unwanted, but-"

"But it's what I am." Lucy stared to the ground, biting her lower lip.

"God, no. When you know the story, maybe you'll understand. Where are you staying?"

"It's a cheap hotel a few blocks away. But I don't know if I have enough money to stay for long."

"Okay." Dr. Torres took her purse and pulled out a few hundred dollars. "Take it and stay until she's ready. Come to me if you need more."

"Wow. I can't…" Lucy just stared at the money, unable to reach out for it.

"Just take it."

"Thank you." It felt strange to touch that much money. Her adoptive family hadn't been poor, but not that rich, either. "She must be a really close friend of yours or something."

"She is." She pulled out a business card. "My number. If you need anything, just call."

"Thanks. Really. You're…"

"Great, I know." The woman grinned. "You should go now, get some sleep, come back tomorrow." She started to stand up, but was pulled back by Lucy talking again.

"One more question."

"Sure."

"This Shepherd she divorced… Is he my father?"

"It's not my story to tell." And with that she stood up and left, leaving behind a confused and scared girl, completely alone with much more money than she could handle.


	5. little talks

**AN: A new chapter on a beautiful Saturday (where I live, cold winter's finally over and we're graced with sun for the next weeks). So, enjoy this one.**

 **x**

 **CHAPTER 5: little talks**

 _Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right._  
 _Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear._

 _(Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men)_

 **x**

Addison had no idea what to do now. She had left the bathroom with Callie, but their ways had parted when her friend had gone to the ER to talk to the girl.

Addison herself was in the attending's lounge now. She had taken a really long, way too hot shower, but it didn't help. She couldn't wash all this away. The confusion, the pain, the… feelings.

Should she go home? She didn't know because she had no idea if Mark would. She didn't even know if she wanted to see him or not. This whole thing was too much.

And so she was sitting there on a chair in the attending's lounge, wearing nothing but the expensive, dark red bathrobe Mark had given her two years ago for Christmas – she suddenly wondered if he wanted it back as well.

"Hey, Addison."

She looked up and saw Derek sitting down on the couch.

"You know, I really like that bathrobe. It's exactly your color. But… don't you think it's a little inappropriate to wear to work?" He laughed, but she didn't feel like laughing, so she just continued to look at him. "Are you okay?" He asked after a few seconds.

"Have you seen Mark?" she asked instead of answering him.

"I saw him in the scrub room. He's starting a facial reconstruction. You know how long it can take. I guess you have to pass on your pre-wedding night. Or engagement night. Or whatever you call it."

"Yeah." She looked down at her bare feet and fumbled with the hem of the robe.

"Something's going on, Addie." Derek stood up and sat down again on the chair next to her. "I can tell. I've known you for more than twenty years."

"I'm fine." She stood up and quickly turned away to conceal the tears that threatened to fall again. "I should get dressed now. My shift has been over for an hour."

"Just… if you want to talk-"

"I know where to find you."

"Right." He patted her shoulder, then walked to the door. "I have a patient, so…"

"Good Night, Derek."

"Night."

 **x**

He wasn't home. The apartment felt empty, too big to be alone.

She missed him already. Missed his touch, his big hands on her skin, his body against hers. It was one night, she told herself. But what if this one turned into two? Or a week? And if suddenly it was just like with Derek all over again?

She had always had those doubts. With every man she had dated. Because Derek had left a scar. Even though they were like friends now, she had never forgotten how he had treated her – maybe she had deserved it, but at the time she had thought he was the love of her life.

What if this whole thing broke her relationship with Mark? She wasn't sure if she could live with that.

So many ifs. But the fact was that he wasn't home and that he didn't come home all night. She sat alone, she drank a bottle of wine, she stared into nothingness, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.

Until the doorbell rang. She prayed to God that it was Mark coming back to apologize. But it wasn't. It was Callie instead.

"I gave her money," she said and pushed past Addison to enter the apartment. "So she could stay for a few days."

"You didn't have to-"

"Yes, I did. I understand you and I understand her. And I want to do everything so you two can… connect."

"Thanks." Addison sat down on the couch again, taking another sip of red wine before she spoke again. "I don't know if I can handle it. It's just… too much. He just proposed. And now… it's over. He hates me."

"He doesn't, and you know it. He loves you, Addison."

"But can we get past this?" She felt like she had to down the whole bottle of wine at once, but stood up and got some gin instead. "I mean," she continued, "I kept his daughter from him for years. How could he ever forgive me?"

"He will, Addie. Now get me a glass of wine and we'll watch a movie. Something funny."

"Miss Congeniality?" It was her and Callie's go-to movie for every occasion because both women loved it.

"Sure."

And that was why Addison adored Callie. She was just so good with distracting you and making you forget your sorrows for a few hours so you could gain strength again.

 **x**

When Addison woke up the next morning, the other side of the bed was still cold and empty. He must have stayed at the hospital.

She left the bedroom, and immediately a smell of bacon and fresh brewed coffee filled her nostrils. Right. Callie had insisted on sleeping over, even though her and Arizona's apartment was just on the other side of the hallway. _So you're not alone_ , she had said. And how could she refuse such a kind offer?

"Morning," the other woman greeted and filled a blue cup with hot, black coffee.

"What time is it?" Addison yawned and took the cup gratefully - her friend couldn't possibly know that it was Mark's favorite cup.

"Almost 8 AM."

"I have to go to work!" She wanted to run to the bathroom, but Callie stopped her, laughing.

"Your schedule is hanging right here on the fridge. You don't have to go until 11 AM, Addison."

She stopped in the tracks. "I do?"

"Yeah. Now sit down and enjoy your breakfast."

She took a deep breath and sat down on the kitchen counter. "He didn't come home last night," she then said quietly.

"No. He didn't."

 **x**

"When you talked to her…" Addison pushed her breakfast from one side of the plate to the other. "What did she say?"

"She was a little sad, I think. She said she wanted to know why."

The fork slipped out of her hand, the noise of it hitting the plate seemed incredibly loud.

"You can wait until you're ready." She felt Callie's warmer hand on top of hers.

They were quiet for a while.

"She thinks Derek is her father," Callie then said. "You know, because your name was Shepherd, at the time."

"Oh." She stared at the uneaten bacon. "What did you-"

"That I wasn't the one supposed to tell her."

 **x**

 **AN: A chapter with not so much action, but I promise, it will get dramatic. See you soon (hopefully).**


	6. pretty please forgive me

**CHAPTER 6: pretty please forgive me**

 _Now you're gonna say pretty please forgive me_  
 _Fool me once, told you twice, you're gonna regret it_  
 _Now you're all alone._

 _(Aftertaste - Shawn Mendes)_

 **x**

Today Addison didn't look as fabulous as she normally did, Alex noticed as he watched her in the attending's lounge while enjoying his late breakfast.

She was sitting on the couch next to Teddy Altman, listening to her colleague chatting about some patient they had been operating on together, but not _really_ listening. She was absently fiddling with a strand of her red hair that was slightly frizzier than usually. Her blouse had wrinkles, which he had never seen on her before. Her makeup couldn't fully conceal the dark circles under her eyes. And said eyes didn't have that fire that made everyone fall for her the second she entered a room.

All details a normal person wouldn't notice. But he did. He was her best friend, after all. Whatever she wasn't telling him, it was pulling her down, stressing her out, worrying her more than her looks – and looking perfect was her top priority. It had to be something huge.

"Addison," he interrupted Teddy.

The redhead didn't even look up, seemed to be in her own world.

"Addison Montgomery, are you there?" He tried again, a little louder this time.

Still no response.

"Addison!" Teddy lightly shoved the other woman.

She flinched. "What?" Her voice was trembling.

"I need to talk to you." He stood up to put his plate into the dishwasher. "About a patient."

"Sure." But she didn't get up.

"Now," he added and took her wrist, pulling her out of the door and into the next viewing room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. She didn't snap at him as she would normally have done. She just sounded… tired?

"What is wrong with you? You would never get out of the house like that." He pointed to her hair, her clothes, her face. "You've been crying yesterday. Arizona told me that Callie slept on your couch last night because she was afraid to leave you alone. Jeez, you're engaged! You and Sloan should have had the hell of a night. Instead he was sleeping in an on-call room."

"It's none of your business, Alex." She was staring at the floor, not daring to look at him.

"Who is that girl from the ER? You looked at her and you ran."

"She's… just a patient, okay?"

"What kind of patient makes you do all that?"

Addison looked as if she was going to say something, when the door to the viewing room opened and Mark Sloan appeared in the door. The plastic surgeon stared for a few seconds, but Addison still didn't lift her eyes from the floor, then he slammed the door and was gone.

"And what was _that_?"

"Why do you even care?" She sounded desperate.

"Because I feel like it's my responsibility – as your best friend – to support you, no matter what. And I can't do that if you won't tell me what's going on."

"It has nothing to do with you. Find somebody else to play shrink with."

And he saw red hair flying when she turned on her heel and walked out of the room.

Why did women have to be so complicated?

 **x**

Mark had almost been running from the viewing room, his shoes squeaking on the floor. He had thought he had it under control. But he couldn't face her. She was a traitor, a lying bitch. She didn't deserve the ring she was wearing on the fourth finger of her left hand.

But still, she was the love of his life. He had stopped leaving her three years ago, when he had confessed to her what he, then, didn't really understand himself.

But now he did. And this love was killing him, every part, slowly, painfully.

In his eyes, she was perfect, no matter what she did. She had been hiding this secret for almost seventeen years and now he knew it and he still couldn't really hate her. When he saw her, he wanted to hug her and to kiss her and to tell her everything would be okay. But his other side, the vulnerable, deeply hurt side, wanted to stab her with a knife – he knew he could never do it, but the thought had occurred that first moment his whole life had changed.

He stopped running, eventually, and was now standing in the middle of a hallway, no idea what to do next.

He didn't know how long he had been standing there, staring into nowhere, until he heard a voice very close to him.

"Morning, Dr. Head-of-plastic-surgery."

He turned around just to see the blonde girl's face next to him. Now that she knew that she was his daughter, he could see the resemblance to him and to Addison. Those were her eyes, her perfect grey eyes that seemed to change the color, depending on the lightning and her mood. But definitely his chin and nose. And his wavy blonde hair, of course, which was, in his case, more pepper and salt by now.

"What are you doing here," he asked, no emotions, his face without any expression.

"Gee, I'm sorry."

"You're not allowed to be here."

"That doctor, some Latina…" She seemed to think.

"Callie Torres?"

"Right. She told me to come here. But I didn't know where to go, and then I got lost."

Mark almost smiled. He got lost everywhere, he literally had no sense of orientation. "Why did she want you to come?"

"She said I should stay until my mother is ready to talk to me. I had nothing to do, so I came here."

"Well, don't come here again. Visit the space needle or whatever tourists do," he snapped and was sorry about it immediately.

"Whoa, what did I do to you?" Lucy seemed confused, raising her hands in defense. "First you ran from me and now you're mad at me for no reason."

What she had done? She had broken his perfect relationship without doing anything wrong. She couldn't have known. "I'm not mad at you." His gaze went to the floor. He couldn't look at her. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I'm just… in a bad mood."

"Look. I found out that you're engaged to her. And I'm sorry that I told you about who she was to me because apparently she never told you about her dark past."

"I said it's not your fault."

"Okay. Good. Now… where can I stay?"

"To the elevator, go to the lobby, there's a waiting area with chairs and stuff," he explained. "If you're hungry, the cafeteria is on the second floor, but don't eat any soup because it's gross. There are vending machines, too, but that food isn't healthy, so don't eat that, either. If you want to see the city, there's a bus stop near the main entrance, the bus goes every twenty minutes. From the space needle you have a great view over Seattle. Or you can take a ferry. It's great to get your mind clear for a while."

"Thanks." She smiled at him and it was his smile. "This hospital has a great service."

"Yeah."

After she had left, Mark began to walk again, too. He honestly had no idea where he was going, it was as if his body was pulling him somewhere his mind didn't know.

Until he ran into Derek just a few steps later.

"Watch out, Mark," his best friend laughed.

"Sorry."

"What's wrong with you? You're so… absent. You were yesterday and today it seems even worse."

"Nothing." He nervously fumbled with his scrub top, not looking at Derek.

"Who was that girl you were talking to?"

"No one!" Mark quickly explained, maybe a little too quick. "Just a patient."

"If I didn't know better, I would say she's your secret daughter with one of all those women you screwed. Because she looks just like you."

"Right..." Why was it suddenly so hot in here? And why were his palms sweating so much?

"Oh my God, Mark! Is that why Addie is acting so weird? Because you suddenly have a daughter you never told her about?" Derek stared at him, mouth slightly open.

"Please… Not now, okay?" It was scary how close his assumption was to the truth. Just that it was the other way around.

"She is!" He laughed tauntingly. "I knew there was at least one child you never knew about!" The neurosurgeon turned around when he heard his wife approaching. "Mer!" He then kneeled down to the floor, hugging the little girl. "Zola."

"Can we maybe talk?" Mark carefully asked. "Later?"

"Sure. Find me when you're ready."


	7. bittersweet box

**AN: So, this chapter is a little different (maybe not that different, but okay).**

 **One, it doesn't have a song title or line as chapter name, and the quote is by Addison herself, said in the season 5 crossover.**

 **Two, I originally wrote this as a oneshot, set in season 3. And I almost published it, but now I'm glad I didn't. Because with some minor changes, I think this fits in this story perfectly.**

 **Hope you enjoy it!**

 **x**

 **CHAPTER 7: bittersweet box**

" _I put you in a tiny box. I made you nothing special so you could fit into this tiny, little box. That would help me get out of bed in the morning. But now I have to take you out of that box."_

 _(Addison Montgomery, 5x15: Before And After)_

 **x**

Addison closed the blinds of her office. She hated this room. It was small and dark and smelly. She just didn't feel comfortable in here. But in this hospital, it seemed to be the only place of privacy for her. And that was what she desperately needed.

Her hands were trembling when she pulled out the small silver box from under her lab coat, placing it on the desk.

She hadn't touched it in such a long time, hadn't even thought about it. But it had always been in her closet, in between her pajamas, where she could be sure Mark would never find it.

She needed it right now, needed something to bear the pain.

Her heart jumped when she slowly removed the rubber band that kept the old metal box from falling open.

And when she opened it, it revealed her darkest secret. She felt so vulnerable looking at the contents. After so many years it still brought so much pain.

She bit on her lower lip so hard that she was afraid it would start to bleed. She had wished she would never have to think of it again. But now it was impossible for her to forget.

She had thrown all the stuff in there in a rush, hoping she would never open it again, would eventually have the strength to throw it away. But she hadn't. Not yet.

On the top there was a small calendar. It wasn't special, there were not even pictures in it. But one date, April 14, 2006, was marked with a red heart by a man who had apparently never drawn a heart before – because it looked like total crap. But at the time, it hadn't mattered.

The next thing was a white stick, two blue lines on it. She didn't remember the day exactly, not the details, anyway. She remembered sitting on the bathroom floor, trembling, sweating, wishing she would never have to turn it around. Then throwing up into the toilet, leaning against the cold wall so it could cool her down, but it hadn't helped – there was nothing that could have helped in any way. And when she had turned the stick at some point, it had revealed that her greatest fears had become reality. It had changed her life. Forever.

Then there was a picture. Black and white, not showing really much. There was just this small white dot in the middle that indicated the life growing inside of her. She had been at 6 weeks, then. It was the first ultrasound taken and the only one she had kept – probably because it wasn't really showing a baby, but a tiny thing without a beating heart. She had given all the other ones to the adoptive parents. They needed them more than she did.

And then there was it, the only picture showing both of them together. It had been taken shortly after the adoptive parents had arrived, only four hours after she had given birth to that beautiful little girl. She still looked very exhausted, her hair sticking to her forehead, her eyes red with tears. One hour later she had seen her daughter for the last time.

The last thing, on the very bottom of the box, was a white and navy piece of fabric. When she pulled it out, it turned out to be a tiny onesie, the New York Yankees' logo on the front, big and blue.

When she had told him about the abortion – the one she had never had –, he had grabbed it from where it had been lying on the commode of the Brownstone's living room, and had thrown it at her, quickly followed by the calendar. After she had let him yell at her for some time, when he was coming closer menacingly, she had just turned around. But she had seen the tears in his eyes when she had left. It had broken her heart that she had broken his heart, taken away his little hope, the tiny person he had probably loved the most. And it had all been a lie.

It was only now that she realized the tears streaming down her face, smearing her almost perfect makeup once again – three times now? Four times? She had stopped counting.

She flinched when in this moment the door to her office opened, and tried to put away the things on her desk, but it was too late.

Because his muscular figure had already entered the room, closing the door again, his fingers then touching the hot lines her tears were drawing, gently wiping them away.

"I didn't know you kept… all of this," he said without looking at her.

"Mark…" Her voice was more desperate than she had intended. After that evening when the onesie had hit her, they had never really talked about it again. Until that week, one year after she had faked a termination. And now, suddenly, after almost 17 years, it was there again.

"It's fine. It's a good thing, I guess."

"She doesn't mean nothing to me, you know. I loved her. Still do. And always will."

"Sure." She could hear in his voice that he was still disappointed, grieving, whatever. "I believe you. But why? Help me understand."

"Mark. I always wanted a baby. And this one was a part of me. It just wasn't the right time."

"You could have told me, you know. I would have understood." He sounded so gentle, so caring, and so hurt.

"You wouldn't have. You were attached, you were excited. You would have never allowed the adoption."

"You could have at least said you had a miscarriage. It would have been easier. I wouldn't have hated you."

"You hated me?" She looked up to him, not missing the tears shining in his eyes.

"A part of me, at least. All those years ago. And now again. But only for a short time because I'm so in love with you that I can't hate you for long. No matter what you do." He took the ultrasound picture in his hand. "You've never shown me this."

"You attacked me before I could."

"So it was taken before you told me about… the abortion that never happened." It wasn't a question, rather a statement.

"Yes. Two days before.

There was silence for some time in which he inspected the other objects on the desk in front of them, smiling at the tiny Yankees onesie.

She was the one to break it. "I wanted to name her Ella. They called her Lucy, but to me she was always Ella.

"That's a beautiful name."

"I always wanted to name my daughter Ella. Even when I was still a child."

"We would've been great parents, Addison."

"You really think that? We weren't great, Mark. Maybe we would be now, but back then… you were a man whore and I was an adulterous bitch that wanted back the man she had cheated on.

"But we loved each other."

"We were terrible together. And you know it."

"But you destroyed our chance to prove the opposite. Maybe we could have made it, then. You wouldn't have given her away and gone back to Derek. We could be together in New York. With a teenager that is partly you and partly me. She's so perfect."

She looked at him from the side, placing a hand on his sad face – the one with the ring. "I'm sorry for hurting you."

"But you're not sorry for keeping secrets, for lying, for abandoning my child without telling me, for keeping her away from me for sixteen years. She doesn't even know I'm her father." He pushed away her hand, opened the door, and with that he was gone, leaving behind the spread proves of their ugly and painful past. Leaving her behind. She had always been the one leaving him. She would have never thought being left by him could hurt that bad. It ripped her heart. And once again she was the lonely woman sitting in her office, crying tears of pain and shame.

He wasn't leaving her forever, right? He would come back, eventually, and they could get over it, move on, get married. They could talk to Lucy, tell her everything that had happened, make her understand why she had done what she had done, have a good relationship with their daughter.

But she had no idea when this point would be reached. Would it ever?

 **x**

 **AN: Liked it? A review would make my day!**


	8. some nights

**CHAPTER 8: some nights**

 _Some nights I wish that this all would end_  
 _'Cause I could use some friends for a change_

 _(Some Nights - fun.)_

Addison had long ago closed the box and hid it in one of the drawers, when the next person entered her office.

"Meredith? What are you doing here?" She didn't even have to look up to know who was standing in the doorway. She knew that woman too well, considering that she had stolen her husband.

"We had a family dinner yesterday and Derek mentioned that you were acting weird, and didn't want to talk to him. I thought maybe you wanted to speak to a woman-"

"I told Callie," she interrupted.

"Okay." The blonde raised her hands in defense. "But if you need to-"

"I don't! It's not like we're friends. And I'm not the kind of woman that walks around and just tells everyone her darkest secrets."

"So it's about a secret?" Meredith leaned against the doorframe.

"What do you care?"

She shrugged. "I just do. But if you don't want to talk about it… Do you already know when your wedding will be?"

"There will be no wedding." Addison stood up. With her heels she was way taller than the other woman – even barefoot she was. "If you would excuse me, I have a surgery." She passed the confused Meredith and took the fastest way to the OR floor. She didn't really have a surgery. And Meredith probably knew that. But she didn't follow her.

 **x**

Mark entered his best friend's office without knocking.

Derek looked up from his laptop, closing it when he recognized Mark. "Want to talk now?"

He nodded, sitting down on the comfortable couch. "I have a daughter I never knew about."

"So, who's the mother?"

"I don't-"

"She's about sixteen, right?"

Mark wanted to cry – of course he wouldn't, he was a man. He was sweating. How could he tell his best friend that he had a child with the woman he had been married to?

"Then it must be Clara's, or… what was her name? Judy? Something like that?"

"Her name was Julia and it's not hers. Not Clara's, either."

Derek laughed. "The next woman you slept with was my wife, so it must have been before. Or maybe later? When you cheated on her?"

"No." He stared at his feet, not able to meet the neurosurgeon's eyes.

"Mark." He suddenly sounded very… Uncertain? Scared? His quiet voice was slightly shaking. "It's not true, is it?"

"She told me she aborted it."

"Because you forced her to, didn't you?!" Derek jumped up, looking down at him with anger.

"I wanted her to keep it!" Now his voice was the shaky one. "But she went to the clinic and then told me she _killed_ my baby."

"You're unbelievable! You wanted _my_ wife to keep _your_ baby! What did you expect her to do?!"

"She didn't have an abortion, though."

"No. She faked it so you would get the hell away from her!"

"That's not true. We were happy, Derek. We were in love." He hid his face in his hands, afraid that he would really start crying.

"In your dreams!" Derek furiously paced the small room.

"You want to hear the story now, or be mad at me about something that happened 17 years ago?"

"Go on." He sat down on top of his desk, staring at his best friend.

"She ran to Boston to have my baby because she was afraid that I would want to keep it once it was born."

"And?"

"She gave her up for adoption and came to Seattle. Where she crawled back to you."

Derek didn't say anything. His fingers were nervously tapping on the wooden desk.

So Mark continued. "Yesterday, this girl showed up and she told me that she wanted to find her birth mother. She asked me if I knew her and I realized that she must be mine."

"And Addison?"

"She is reminiscing over the old pictures and stuff that she kept all those years without telling me. From what I know she doesn't want to talk to Lucy because she gave her away for a reason."

"Lucy is her name?" Derek sounded more peaceful now.

"Yes. But Addison didn't call her that. She said she called her Ella."

Now Derek was laughing humorless. "When we talked about children, many years ago, she said she always wanted to call her daughter Ella."

"Yeah."

"Mark, I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's not your fault and she's not my wife anymore."

"I forgive you. I lived with her while you were still married. I wanted her to keep the baby and when she told me she aborted it I lost it and almost hit her."

"Mark!"

"I didn't!"

"Fine. You should talk to her."

"I can't." Mark's voice was steadier now.

"You have to or you two won't make it. You have been my first man two times. I finally want to be yours."

"I'll try."

 **x**

Just like the day before, Addison was sitting on the couch alone. In one hand she had a glass of expensive red wine, with the other she was absently fumbling on the edge of the shirt she was wearing – one of Mark's old band shirts.

She jumped, being torn out of her thoughts, when she heard a key in the door. There were only three people that had a key. She had one of course, and Mark. They had also given Derek a key in case something happened. But why would Derek come here? So it had to be…

"Mark." She put the wine aside and walked towards him. "You're here."

"I'm here." He placed a hand on her cheek, looking deep into her eyes.

The distance lessened and their lips were touching hungrily.

"We should talk," he whispered, but she shook her head.

"No talking."

And with that the bedroom door closed behind them.

 **x**

"This was a bad idea," she said, trying to catch her breath.

"I said we needed to talk. But you-"

"Okay, it's my fault." She stared at the wall on the opposite side of the room, observing the yellow stain that was there since he had been trying to be romantic by bringing her breakfast to bed, but then hadn't managed to resist and had begun to kiss her. Addison, very moody in the morning, had tried to push him back because his beard had burned on her sensitive skin, her last way out seeming to be throwing something at him. It had been bacon, she had missed him and hit the white wall. "It's always my fault," she quietly added.

"It's your fault that we are in this situation right now!" His voice was growing enraged. "If you hadn't lied to me-"

She was angry now, too. "Sure! Blame me for everything!"

"You kept my child from me!"

She sighed with frustration and stood up, taking a blanket with her to cover her naked body.

"Addison, stop it!" he tried. "You're being ridiculous."

"That's what you think of me? Then why did you propose?" She slammed the bathroom door behind her.

"Because I love you," she heard his voice, hushed through the wood.

"Then stop nagging all the time."

"This is a serious conflict, honey. We have to talk!" He sounded closer to the door now and she quickly locked it. "Come on, let me in. We can take a shower and-"

"It's late. We should go to bed." She lowered herself on the tiled floor.

"We were in bed. Now we talk."

"We talked before."

"Then we talk again." She could hear him sigh, then the key suddenly fell to the floor and another one was turned in the lock. Right. They had an extra key in one of the drawers.

He was wearing boxers when he entered the bathroom and she felt too naked. But there was a slip and a shirt in his hand which he tossed over, and she gave him a grateful look.

"Now get dressed," he commanded. "I will, too, and we talk on the couch. Okay?"

"Okay."

 **x**

 **AN: There's some talking going on in the next chapter.**

 **Want to let me know what you did and didn't like? It would motivate me to update very soon…**


	9. nothing but question marks

**CHAPTER 9: nothing but question marks**

 _You're left in the dark_  
 _Go back to the start_  
 _With nothing but question marks_

 _(Question Marks - Sunrise Avenue)_

 **x**

"You must have questions, I guess," she said as she sat down on the couch, close to him, but not touching him.

"You guessed right." He, fortunately, remained the distance. She was afraid that they would lose control again.

"Then ask."

"Will you answer everything? Honest? No lies?"

"I'll… try."

"Okay." Mark sighed. "What the hell where you thinking?"

She looked at him from the side. "About what?"

"Everything!"

"Mark, if you want me to answer the questions, they have to be more specific." Addison began to tap her fingertips against the palm of her other hand. She only did this when she was nervous. And hell, she was really nervous right now. And he must know it.

"Where did you go when you left New York?"

She bit her lower lip. "I went to Boston."

"Why Boston?"

"I asked for the first plane out of New York. It went to Boston, so I bought a ticket."

He fumbled with the edge of one of the fuzzy pillows that she loved so much. "What did you do in Boston? Did you work? Where did you live?"

"I lived in a hotel. I didn't work because I knew it was only temporary."

"Then what did you do all day?"

"I went sightseeing, I rode the ferry-"

"Because Derek had a thing for ferry boats."

"Yeah." A hint of a smile appeared on her lips. "And I met a guy."

"A guy?"

"He wanted to date me, but he was probably scared off when he saw my belly. We became friends."

"So that guy was a part of the pregnancy and I wasn't."

The smile faded. "I would say you were a huge part of that pregnancy because you impregnated me, but…"

"That's not what I meant."

"I know it's not."

He stood up when the doorbell rang, taking the Chinese food that was just delivered - when had he even ordered it? - and it somehow reminded her of the night she had told him about the pregnancy. He had ordered Chinese then, too. And she had thrown up into the empty chips bowl next to the couch because of the smell. It had been nauseating then, but now it smelled delicious.

She accepted it gratefully and began to eat.

"Can I ask more questions?" he asked after some time, sounding a little shy.

She nodded.

"Why couldn't we stay together?"

Addison swallowed the food in her mouth. "Because, Mark, at the time, we were horrible together. I loved Derek and you cheated on me all the time. It wasn't right. You know it wasn't."

"Then why did you lie? You could have told me."

"I couldn't. We were screwed up, you were happy, too attached. You would have never let me give her away. And you know it."

"Did you ever plan to tell me? Or would you have just lied to me for the rest of our lives?" He sounded so small, so vulnerable. And somehow it brought up tears in her own eyes.

"I don't know. I seriously don't."

"I'm glad that it came out. And I really don't hate you. I'm just… disappointed."

They sat in silence again.

"So, when will you talk to _her_?" he finally asked.

"As soon as I'm ready, okay?"

"She doesn't know I'm her father."

"I'll tell her."

He nodded, then placed a hand on her cheek. "One last question, Addison." They looked into each other's eyes. "Will you still marry me?"

"Oh, Mark." She smiled. "Of course I will."

The next morning, she woke up to the alarm going off. He was there. His tall body was next to her, on her, giving her the warmth she so desperately needed – not really physically.

"Morning, honey," she said and softly kissed him on the lips.

"Hey." He smiled and wrapped his big arms around her. "I missed you so much."

"Yeah, me too." She stretched her tensed muscles and got up. "I'll go take a shower."

He nodded, yawning, then crawled out of the sheets himself, following her into the bathroom. "Me too."

Addison was blow drying her hair, Mark brushing his teeth next to her.

"Now that we talked," she said, "I think I can talk to _her_ as well. Or at least try."

"That's good." He pecked her lips and left a stain of toothpaste behind.

They both laughed. They laughed together _. Addison and Mark_ wasn't lost, broken, destroyed by a tragic secret coming to light.

They were stronger than ever.

They would make it.

They were _Addison and Mark._

On normal days, Addison would feel pretty. She was wearing a perfect-fitted pencil skirt, the navy blouse that made her eyes pop, her red hair was in beautiful curls.

But today, nothing seemed appropriate, nothing was good enough. The skirt felt too tight, the blouse too bright, her hair lacked shine – it was probably only in her imagination, but she didn't feel comfortable at all.

She found the blonde girl in the lobby waiting area, sitting in a chair and looking at her smartphone.

"Hey," Addison said, her voice so quiet that she was afraid Lucy wouldn't hear it.

But she looked up and put the phone aside. "Hey."

"May I…" She pointed towards the empty chair next to her.

"Sure." A smile appeared on her lips, so much like Mark's.

"Thanks." She sunk down into the cushions and for a while they sat in silence.

"So…" Lucy began. "You are my biological mother."

"Yes." Addison bit her lip, trying to stop it from shaking.

"You seem… successful."

"I am. I'm a surgeon, but you probably know that."

"OB/GYN, neonatal and fetal surgeon, two years of medical genetics research in cystic fibrosis, which I have no idea what it is. I googled you."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You're the best in your field."

She swallowed. "Do you have some questions?"

"Of course I do. Let's start with my father. This Shepherd you were married to when I was born, is it him?"

"Look." Addison felt the need to cry, but she managed to hold back the tears. "I was married, back in New York, and we were happy, until we weren't. He was absent and he worked a lot, and I… was lonely."

"You cheated." Lucy looked shocked. "I'm an adulterous love child." She chuckled nervously. "Well, that's just perfect. That's why you didn't want me."

"It wasn't… Your father was there. And we… and my husband walked in on us."

"You deserve it." And Addison was almost certain she could hear a mumbled _slut_ added.

"I do. I did. We were together for eight weeks and I found out that I was pregnant."

"And why didn't you just-" Lucy stopped.

"Have an abortion, you mean?"

The girl nodded.

"I- don't be… okay, you're gonna be offended. I was planning to. I'm pro-choice. I perform abortions myself. But I couldn't. I was in front of the clinic and I went back home, but I told your father that I had terminated and then went to Boston, where your parents lived."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

"He cheated on me."

"Karma is a bitch."

"It is. But he told me he was happy about you."

"And you weren't."

"It sounds cruel." She blinked rapidly to hold back the tears that again threatened to fall. "I was in love with my husband and your father was attached and he would have never let me give you away."

"Maybe he was right."

"I still think that what I did was the right decision. You had a childhood full of love. I couldn't have given you that. Because I went back to my husband after I gave birth, but we got divorced a few months later."

"Who is he?" Lucy sounded almost desperate. "Who is my father?"

"I think you met him. His name is Mark Sloan."

Her daughter was quiet for a moment. "The plastics guy? Your fiancé?"

"My fiancé. Years after we left New York, we got back together. And we got engaged a few days ago."

"So you're gonna marry… my father."

"I am."

"That's… amazing!"

"Yeah, it is." Addison smiled.

"Now I get why he was so shocked when I told him your name."

"Oh, he was more than shocked. He wanted to undo the engagement because I never told him."

"Understandable."

"I guess. But we're okay now."

They looked at each other for a few seconds, no one speaking.

"You have to understand," Addison finally said, clearing her throat, "that I don't hate you. And I didn't give you away because I'm a terrible person. I did it because I wanted you to have a future. Because I couldn't have cared for you the way your parents did. But, in my heart, you always were my baby. You still are."

Lucy smiled, her grey eyes soft. "I understand."

"So you are my father."

Mark turned around when he heard his daughter's voice. "I am." He smiled at her.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't my story to tell."

The girl nodded. "She's pretty. My mother, I mean. Like, really gorgeous."

He chuckled. "She is. You've got her eyes."

"I do." She smiled up at him. "I wish I had her hair. Not that blond is bad, but…"

"I know what you mean. Her hair is amazing."

"Yeah."

Mark turned around when he heard heels on the linoleum floor – if Addison had one iconic sound, it was the click-clack of those heels that always announced her approach. He watched her note something into a chart and put it away, then she joined them.

"Hey." She smiled as he placed a kiss on her cheek. "What are you two talking about?"

"You," they answered in unison.

"This is amazing!"

Addison grabbed Mark's hand as they watched their daughter on top of the Space Needle. He squeezed it back.

"I love Seattle. How come you don't go up here _every day_?"

"Honestly," Addison answered, "I've been living in Seattle for 16 years now and I have never, not once, been up here."

"Really?" Mark raised his eyebrow. "I have, a few times. And the view is stunning."

Addison felt her fiancé's other hand wrap around her waist. And just for a few minutes, they enjoyed the life they could have had, had each one of them made different decisions.

The moment was perfect, but there were no doubts. At the time, it had been the right thing to do. But still, just a short moment of longing, of thinking about all the memories they could have had, couldn't be so wrong, could it?


	10. running for far too long

**AN: I actually managed to post the epilogue this week. Have fun reading this last piece of** _ **In My Heart**_ **, and as soon as I have another brainwave, I will start a new story. Maybe a multi-chapter, but probably a oneshot. (It's more my thing because most of the time I lose interest in the middle of the story, as you can see in** _ **Everything Changed And My Life Is A Mess**_ **, or like any other multi-chapter I ever wrote.)**

 **x**

 **EPILOGUE: running for far too long**

 _Hold on, we're gonna make it if it takes all night  
Hearts racing like a rocket at the speed of light  
Don't fight it, we've been running for far too long  
We're going back where we belong._

 _So hold on, we got our wings and we're chasing the wind_  
 _Farewell to all the places that we have been  
And if it takes us all night long  
We're going back where we belong._

 _(Where we belong - Thriving Ivory)_

 **x**

"I can't do it without her!" Addison paced the room, panic starting to rise. "What if they didn't let her go?"

"I'm sure they did." Callie closed her necklace, then turned around to look at her friend. "You talked to them yourself. They agreed. I don't think they would-"

And in that moment the door opened. "I'm sorry!" Lucy exclaimed. "My plane was late. Like, really late."

"That's what my patients always say," Addison, mumbled, relieved. "Not about planes, though."

"Ew, I don't want to talk about your gynecology stuff."

"Okay." Addison smiled at her daughter. "I'm glad you made it." And she quickly hugged the girl.

"Me too. Also, your dress is amazing!"

"Isn't it?" She turned towards the mirror, eyeing her own reflection. Her makeup was perfect, her red hair was pinned up loosely, the dress was white and glamorous, hugging her curves in a stunning way. For once in her life, she didn't feel twice her age. Today, she felt even younger.

Someone knocked on the door, then it was opened by Derek. Mark's best man – which was a little weird, considering that he was her ex-husband. "They're ready now."

 **x**

Somehow, she couldn't really remember the whole ceremony after it had happened. She could recall saying "I do" at some point, exchanging rings, then a deep kiss.

She watched Mark and Lucy laugh about something. She looked so much like him.

"What are you two talking about?" she asked as she approached them.

"Not you, this time," Lucy answered.

"But I'm thinking about you," Mark added. "All the time. And I never want to stop. Ever."

 **x**

 **AN: This was really short, I know. But I like this ending. This is the first multi-chapter fic I ever finished, so please appreciate that by giving me a short (or long) feedback :) (silent readers that never review, this is your chance to make me happy)**

 **That said, bye readers. I love you for liking what I do.**


End file.
